"I Can" Attitude

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It's important to develop an "I CAN" Attitude in life. I know I love nothing more than working with and being around people who have an "I CAN" attitude. They are infectious and help to remind me that we really can accomplish more with a positive attitude. It's proven through research that "believing you can" is paramount to being able to accomplish the task at hand. We've all worked with people who give every excuse why something can't be done, or why it isn't being done (whine, whine, whine!) Then someone comes along and does it! We should learn from the CAN DO people! They are often contagious, and attract the very things, including people, needed to accomplish the desired goal.

So what are you? A "can do" person, or an "I give every excuse why it can't or isn't getting done" person? I hope the former, for your sake!

Is He The One?

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Have you ever wondered if the guy you are dating is the one? Or are you asking yourself; how will I know if he is the one? What do I look for? Is there someone special out there for me? Where is Mr. Right? Will I ever meet him? How do I meet him? Where do I look? And again, how will I know if he is indeed the one?


Great questions we've all be tormented with at various times in our life (of course changing the he to she where appropriate for you)! Let me easy your mind and heart by saying, YES you will meet Mr. Right, I promise! But what you must remember is that finding Mr. Right is more about YOU becoming the right person first!

I believe what leads us down the road of dysfunction and having an unhealthy relationship is our own un-dealt-with brokenness. It’s the reason we often settle for Mr. Wrong, and regret it later. And we usually say, “I knew he wasn’t the one, but …” and that is just it, we make excuses because we down deep feel a since of desperation; what if no one else comes along, then I will be all alone. Here is the reality – it’s much better to be SINGLE then in a relationship with the wrong person! Don’t settle! Look for the RED flags, trust yourself and believe in yourself enough to move on.

Okay, to answer the question; How Do You Know? Here we go!

*Disclaimer – if you are already married to this person then the answers to these questions would vary a bit … this is for the single person, not the married person!

1) If you are thinking to yourself; if I can just change this or that about him he’ll be perfect. Forget it! Walk away! He is not the one. You can not count on anyone changing for the better.

2) Any doubts or concerns about him are RED FLAGS to be considered and explored.

3) What do your friends think? Not that they always are right or would know, but it’s good to ask!

4) What does your family think? Not that they always are right or would know, but it’s good to ask!

5) What does your heart tell you? Typically we know down deep already and just want someone else to confirm it for us!

6) What does God say?

7) Does he draw you closer to God, or further from Him?

8) How is his reputation? A man is only as good as his reputation!

9) If you feel like you are settling, you are! Walk away!

10) Does he inspire you?

11) Does he think you walk on water? He should!

12) Does he drink too much? If he does, walk away.

13) Does he have a good job?

14) Does he have a dream?

15) Does he read? Personal development is very important!

16) Does he exercise? This is really important if you do exercise!

17) Who are his friends? This tells you a lot about the kind of person he is!

18) Is he honest?

19) Do you feel happy when around him?

20) Do you feel secure around him?

21) Do you feel safe around him?

22) Do you feel like the most important person in the world when you are around him?

23) Do you have similar interests, goals, values, plans? Yes, opposites can and do attract, but typically it’s opposites in personality types, etc. not complete and total opposites in all areas of life. Typically there are going to be some challenges if you are religious and they are not interested at all in religious things. There are exceptions, but generally these things are true.

24) Does he handle money well?

25) Is his apartment clean? What about his car? Of course if you are a slob this might not matter, but if you are a neat freak it will matter. And believe me if he is clean that doesn’t mean he is a good guy, it’s just means he likes things clean or that he just wants to keep up appearances that he has it al together, because he is a mess on the inside! Trust me; I know what I am talking about!

Getting any ONE of the questions wrong isn’t an automatic NOPE on someone, but they are things to consider!

I wish you love!

A Sandcastle

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I realize that this isn't the coolest Sandcastle ever built, but it is one of the coolest I've ever built and I am a beginner. I learned that anyone can build a Sandcastle with the right tools and a few simple instructions.

Our believe our lives are much like the pile of sand in yesterdays post; with the right tools and a little thought, design and TLC can be made to be something wonderful.

What kind of life are you designing?

A Pile Of Sand

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This year while on vacation in Florida I made sandcastles most every day. It was so refreshing for me, almost theraputic really. I actually learned a lot about myself (what I like, what I am good at, and what I should be doing) and the journey of life we are all on in the process. And here is what I learned: each of our lives start out like a pile of sand, though very beautiful, with some TLC and some shapping could really be something to behold. Second, when we do what we are good at, or gifted at, life is a little sweeter and more fun, and there is more fruit or success associated with it. And thirdly, you must constantly refine and rework the sand to get it just right, at least in that moment, for that time.

Tomorrow I will post pictures of the sandcastle I built from that pile of sand pictured above!

Living A Free Life

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I have recently been studying and having conversations about what it means to Live A Free Life. What does it look like to truly be living a free life. What does it look like to be living a life free from any and all baggage from the past or limiting beliefs that keep us prisoner, even the religious baggage that binds us? What does it look like to be free, truly free?

I believe that Jesus lived a completely free life, therefor He is our example on how to achieve this free life that we all desire to live. And Jesus did say in John 8:32 that, "... you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." So we know that A) We can be free, and B) It starts with knowing the truth (the truth about anything and everything can help us achieve freedom)
I've had people say to me, "I just want to be free to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it!" But is that truly living a free life to follow our desires or to do whatever we feel like doing when we feel like doing it? I don't think so. Though we are, in a sense, free to do whatever we want to do when we want to do it, but that is not living a free life when we are controlled by our flesh.

Romans 8:13-14 says, "For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God."

Then in, Galatians 5:14-26 Paul says, "For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love..." So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law (bondage)... But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law (bondage). Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other." 

So in order for us to be living the free life that we so hunger for we should be about living God's way, rather than our way. So doing good or doing the right thing is actually living free. It's about giving ourselves wholeheartedly to the purpose for which we were created, God's purpose. It's about following His plan for us, that would be ultimate freedom, I would suspect. But this is something that we should each be in search of ... The life that God has intended we live ... our purpose on planet earth; to live, to love, to forgive, that is living free!

 

Saying Sorry

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It's hard to say "sorry" sometimes, especially when you feel you weren't completely to blame for the situation. We often think, "well I'll say sorry when they say sorry." Well it doesn't work that way. That's kind of like when Jesus said in Luke 6:32-36 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.  And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.  And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.  But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." 

 We LOVE even when others don't love, we GIVE even when others don't give, we SHARE even when others don't share, we APOLOGIZE even when others don't apologize. This is what children of the God do, and there is a reward!

I know that I have had to say "I'm sorry" many many times over the years to my children, to my wife, to my friends, to co-workers, to employees, to church members, and to strangers on the road. And it's never easy.

I know it's hard because I have not had very many people through the years ever say sorry to me. I sat down with Jana the other day and reflected on all the times we've been hurt or wronged and we could only count but a handful of times when people actually came to us to apologize for what they said, or what they did to hurt us. I say that not to get pity from anyone, but to emphasize that apparently saying, "I'm sorry" is difficult and rare. Pride gets in the way.

CHALLENGE:

Be the kind of person who says, "I'm sorry" when you have wronged someone is someway, even when they don't know you have wronged them AND even if you feel they owe you an apology first ... you be first.


 WANT TO TALK TO ME? Call to set up an appointment with me at (913) 390-1200, or via email jana@mercychurchkc.com

I have clients call from all over the world, often using SKYPE or just phone ... either works for me. And we take payment ($75 an hour) through PayPal, it's very easy to set up and get done. I;ve love to help you however I can.

Gossip

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Unfortunately Gossip is a subject we are all familiar with, whether we've been hurt by gossip or have hurt others with gossip. We are all guilty of it at sometime or another; so how should we handle gossip?

There are several people involved in gossip usually, but primarily there are three and each has a critical role to play in information being handled in a healthy (God honoring) way. There is the one sharing the information (in my experience you are not the only one privy to the information you are being told ... if they are telling you, they are telling others - and that is where it gets really messy,) then there is the person being talked about, then there is the hearer of that information. Each person is responsibly, or should be responsible to handle gossip in a helpful way.

I once had a friend tell me, "Timmy why do you preach against gossip? It's like preaching against breathing ... it's what we all do." He is correct, but it doesn't make it right. Again, we are all guilty of gossip or have been hurt by it.

GOSSIP QUIZ:

Q: If someone tells you something and asks for you to not tell anyone, you should ...?


A) Tell everyone.
B) Tell no one.
C) Tell just a few close friends.
D) Tell your best friend only.


Answer: B. I would add here that it might be a good idea to ask them who else they have told, because if they told others there may be a chance the information will leak out and you do not want to be the one blamed for the leak. 

Q: If John hears Randy say something bad about Sam, John should ...?


A) Go straight to Sam and tell him what Randy said.
B) Tell Randy he should go settle whatever issues he has with Sam directly.
C) Go tell Sally, Rick, and Paul about what Randy said about Sam.
D) Reprimand John for being a gossiper.
E) None of the above.

Answer: B. I also think that D is an important part of stopping gossip.


Q: What if John does the WRONG thing and tells Sam what Randy said about him?


A) Sam should go straight to Randy to resolve the issue.
B) Sam should tell Sally, Rick and Paul what an idiot John is.
C) Sam should reprimand John for being a gossiper.
D) Sam should just grow bitter and angry toward Randy.
E) None of the above.

Answer: A & C

A lot of times we have people who bring gossip to us and we make the huge mistake of listening and not saying, "hey man I don't want to be a trash dump for your junk, you should go work that out with the person you have the beef with." I know I am guilty of not always handling gossip in a God-honoring way, but I am thankful when someone stops me from gossiping.

I think where Gossip really gets messy is when someone is telling someone what someone else said that was hurtful and wrong. It's like if someone told me that Johnny was fat and ugly and I ran to Johnny to tell him someone said he was fat and ugly ... that's just not nice. Yes the person saying Johnny is fat and ugly is clearly wrong - no doubt, but also the person who ran to Johnny to tell him about it is wrong as well. Why would I want to go tell a person something hurtful? Why would I want to hurt them? Why would I want to stir up strife and dissension? What's my motive? What am I trying to accomplish? What's my heart desire in it? What is the purpose in it?

We might think that, "well Johnny deserves to know what is being said about him." Oh really? So anything we ever say about anyone ever needs to be said to that person by a third party? I don't think we want to live by that rule as it relates to us, do we? When you don't want the rule to apply to you, you know you are wrong in your thinking. When you wouldn't want someone to do it to you, then you shouldn't do it to them. I have had people tell me very hurtful things that people have said about me, and it hurts, and not only did it hurt I did wonder why they would want to tell me that? To hurt me further?

I think the most hurtful parts about Gossip are these two things; one is that when someone is telling someone what someone said you can not be certain you are getting the whole story, or even the correct story. I mean let's be honest, when someone tells me what someone said I can either believe it hook line and sinker, or I can be realistic in my thinking and say, "well there may be some truth in here that needs to be addressed, but I am not going to make any judgments just yet until I speak to this person face to face."  And the second hurtful part of Gossip is that relationships are lost or broken or at minimum tainted.

Bottom line is that everyone is hurt because of Gossip ... the one talking, the one listening and the one being talked about! It truly sucks for everyone. Let's all try an do better.

Don't Forget Each Other

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On June 18th I will be celebrating 17 years with my one and only wife, Jana. Like any other couple we've had our ups and downs, fortunately mostly ups, by the grace of God. And I have often been asked, "how is it that you and Jana are still so happy and in-love?"

I must confess that sometimes I wonder that myself, but then as I reflect on that question I realize that firstly, we married well. What I mean is that we were right for each other. We both had the same core values, same core religious perspectives (we don't believe or think exactly the same, but at the core we do,) we have similar goals, similar passions, similar dreams, similar likes and dislikes. And if you were ever around us you would see that in many ways we are very different as well. But at the core we are two peas in a pod, as they say.

Another big key to our happy marriage is that we aim to please each other, even on a self-less level at times, but never to the point where one is emptied while the other is full. I've seen too many marriages that are all about one taking and one giving. Sooner or later the one doing all the giving will have giving all they can give and they are not going to give any more and they walk.

Communication, honest, open heartfelt and raw communication! In counseling sessions I talk with couples who feel like they have good communication but they don't. Because again, one or both are not really being honest, like sometimes hurtfully honest. I recently counseled a couple, we'll call them Rick and Sally. Rick and Sally have been married 10 years, and it's been a pretty good 10 years, though there were a lot of things about the relationship not going well, but neither opened up to the other to talk about it. So as time went on the marriage sank deeper deeper into unhappiness. Then kids came along, life is busy, doing the deal. But still not really dealing with the issues that lay deep within their souls. And finally Rick and Sally fell out of love and want a divorce; why? They forgot each other!

Plain and simple, you forget each other then soon you have forgotten each other completely and sometimes you can't even remember why you married them in the first place.

CLARIFICATION:

When I say open and honest communication I mean telling your spouse what you like and don't like. What you want and don't want, what you are interested in and not interested in, what you fantasize about doing, etc. It's important to do this is a loving and caring way, but it has to be said. To go through marriage unhappy, because you haven't told your spouse you would like him/her to dress up before sex, or shave, or shower, or whatever ... then in a way it's your own fault for not clearly communicating. I had a guy in my office who was only having sex with his wife once every other month, but he wanted sex a couple times a week, he was frustrated and entertaining in his mind an extra-marital affair because of it (that doesn't justify it, but that's just what was happening.) So I asked him if he'd talked to his wife about that, he said he had sorta brought it up, but usually when he was mad. I told him to loving communicate with his wife that he desired her and could like to make love more frequently. He did, and she also said she wanted to make love more often too. Wow, that was easy ... just communicate!

DISCLAIMER:

If you have tried to communicate and your spouse doesn't listen, or fights back, using blame, justification, manipulation, or flips it back over on you ... then you need to go see a counselor to work it out.

Today We Are Rich

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Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders is destined to become a self-help cult classic!

I found Tim’s book to not only be full of fun stories, but also chalked-full of new insightful thoughts and perspectives on positive thinking, daily disciplines, confident living, practical practices, happiness, being thankful, the difference between purpose and passion as well as where faith fits in to it all. Tim’s book is a fresh look at all things self-help. I have read most all the self-help classics, and often wondered if anyone would ever write one today that could even compare, Tim did it. And he didn’t just regurgitate those timeless truths from the greats, but rather gave a new spin that is forcing me to go back to read it a second time, and I don’t read books twice usually.

My copy of Today We Are Rich looks more like one of my kid’s coloring books from all the underlining and coloring I did in it! A lot of tweetable lines in Tim’s book!

So here’s the deal, whether you are on top of the world, or crouched at the bottom of the barrel in the fetal-position I highly recommend you pick up a copy of Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders, I promise your life will be better for it, I know mine is.